Saturday, February 7, 2009

staying or going by k

there was a time a few weeks ago when i was itching to bring my thoughts about staying or going to this blog. there was so much swirling in my head. but barak and i both wanted to first talk about it with our families. after doing that i think some of my need/desire to share waned. the discussion was started.

for me, for better or worse, this is a an emotional decision and not one based on facts and figures and logic. the more "logical" decision is probably to go back, but i think we could also make a logical decision to stay if we tried.

whether we stay or not, i have to own that in some deep and inexplicable way, i feel at home in europe. something in me is quenched when i am here. i'm not even sure what that is, but it is there. and so, if we head back, part of me will be sad.

21 years ago, i faced a similar decision. my year abroad was ending, but i didn't feel ready to leave. i stayed six more months before making the logical decision to return to berkeley and finish my undergraduate degree. i don't regret that decision, but i wonder at it. is logic always the best road to follow?

of course, all these years later i'm in a very different place. there is a lot more to go back to this, friends, a house, a community, yummy food, my little yellow mini. and yet, if i'm honest, something in me longs to stay.

barak has asked me what i think a second year would bring. i have no concrete answer to that. some people say "stay!" and some say "come back!" and everyone has said they will support us either way. stay tuned...